My brain says no but my pants say off.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
