Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
