Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
