so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
