You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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