I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
