If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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