the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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