textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
