What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
