I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I party with great urgency now.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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