I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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