i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
