Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
