you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
