So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
