she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
