it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
