shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
