Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
