Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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