Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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