Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize