White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize