Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
