Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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