This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
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