I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
