he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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