I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize