apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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