I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
