So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize