I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
