My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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