Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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