I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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