Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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