Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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