I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
