I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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