By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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