sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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