I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize