While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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