I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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