grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
