As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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