his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
