just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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