Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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