I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
