remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
