why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
