I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Another day, another engagement, another cat
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
