my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize