tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
