is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
