They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize