Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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