my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize